Why Couples Should Take a PRE-MARITAL Course
TRANSPARENCY leads to AUTHENTICITY
The number one reason why couples should complete a pre-marital course before tying the knot is because most of us were not taught to honestly and effectively express our wants, needs, desires, concerns, fears and insecurities. And if research shows that an honest, open line of communication, is the defining factor for a secure, successful marriage wouldn’t it benefit us to become skilled at expressing ourselves?
Often times it takes someone on the outside to help you see your communication BLIND SPOTS, and the areas you and your partner will struggle with when it comes to SAFE self expression.
There are two parts to your marriage: your friendship (emotional-mental connection) and the passion (physical connection). Each impact the other. You can’t expect to thrive for the long haul if you don’t come up with a plan on how you’ll keep them alive and well. Strong communication and understanding is vital for both.
RELAtionship VS REALationship
My goal is to assist others in building R-E-A-L-ationships. This type of radical union must be built and nurtured by two people. The R.E.A.L. acronym describes what it takes to create a happy marriage that can go the distance. It goes hand-in-hand with my S.A.F.E. Communication Method. Sadly, most of us are not raised with this mentality and outlook on communication.
Each of you must be willing to be RAW AND REAL, (this goes back to what I stated at the start…you have to be able to honestly and effectively express yourself)
You should have an EAGER AND ENTHUSIASTIC desire to understand self and your partner, (understanding where your differences and weaknesses stem from is how you evolve and reach a deeper level of emotional intimacy)
You must cultivate an ATTITUDE OF ATONEMENT AND ACCOUNTABILITY, (pride and stubbornness destroy love, so getting comfortable being accountable for your actions and apologizing properly when you’ve hurt your partner is crucial)
If you learn to practice all of the above, you’ll have a better chance at having a LONG-LASTING, LOYAL, LOVING partnership.
There isn’t a class that we are required to take growing up that covers the intricacies of communication, nor is there anyone teaching us about the true meaning of emotional intelligence. This is having the cognitive ability to rationally share the details of what you are feeling and thinking, while remaining grounded in a place of observation and reflection (not shaming and blaming). When couples learn how to do this it’s a big communication game changer.
It’s an essential ingredient for building intimacy in relationships, says Robin Stern, associate director of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence. “When someone feels seen and heard by you,” she says, “they begin to trust you.”
Aside from not being taught how to process and share emotions properly, we’re also not given a handbook on how to MASTER loving ourselves unconditionally, much less how to love others this way. Yet, when we get married that’s exactly what we expect our partners to do.
THE BLIND LEADING THE BLIND
Most people are just winging relationships, and falling for the fairytale of what it means to be married. The truth is the majority of couples aren’t well equipped to face conflict and adversity. If you look at the marriage statistics it’s obvious something has to give, because the divorce rate is not improving.
WHY? Because the blind are leading the blind. Most of us are just following in alignment with how our parents communicated, and often times the paradigm we’re taking on for ourselves is outdated. We’ve also taken on gender roles in partnership too, which are shaped by what we grew up witnessing, and these too need to be examined.
The point of a PRE-MARITAL course is to be proactive. Don’t wait until you have problems to learn this critical information!
COMMUNICATION AND UNDERSTANDING IS EVERYTHING
To accept our partner’s wholly is to appreciate them for who they are, and how they show up in the world. Appreciating their strengths and positive qualities is easy, but what about their weaknesses/unbecoming ways? Accepting these things without fully understanding the root of them is simply a form of TOLERANCE. And overtime toleration can lead to resentment/comtempt, so it’s better if you each come to understand the reason for one another’s trigger points. This is what my pre-marital course helps to assess.
Learning to understand one another, as well as mastering compassionate listening is a huge part of the work you need to put into your marriage in order to build a strong foundation. If you feel you there is a DISCONNECT in understanding one another, there are plenty of physiological and psychological explanations for this and you need to know what they are so your marriage doesn’t fall prey to them. Often times you need an unbiased mediator to assist in bridging the gap.
The Top 5 Communication Barriers Couples Face in Relationships – Why aren’t we hearing each other?
CORE Differences between couples:
- Brain Anatomy and Neural Wiring,
- Right & Left Brain Functions – Feminine/Masculine traits,
- Verbal Communication Styles – Report vs Rapport,
- Non-Verbal Signals/Cues,
- Perception Barriers due to Individualized Subconscious Imprints –
Identifying Your Attachment Styles and Love Languages
I cover these in great detail with couples because lack of knowledge makes you more susceptible to stress and strife. When we make the effort to expand our knowledge of ourselves we start to become the best, balanced most loving version of ourselves.
MASTERING THE MEANING OF UNCONDITIONAL LOVE
My course isn’t designed to simply help couples understand and love each other more deeply, it’s to help them KNOW AND LOVE themselves better too. How can we expect someone to love us unconditionally if we don’t know what that means, or what it feels like to extend that wise, merciful love to our own self.
Each of us wants our spouse to understand us, validate us, desire us, appreciate us, support us, forgive us, accept us, adore us, respect us and treat us kindly, but we need to recognize often times we fail to consistently extend this to our partners, and even to ourselves.
Unconditional love in partnership is when you both learn how to have a better understanding of self, and you feel safe to fully express and share that information with the other.
It’s a commitment to making the choice daily to not be afraid to be vulnerable and honest with one another. In this partnership the two have decided to learn how to express their emotions using both the logical and emotional brain. This helps create an honest safe haven of communication. Forgiveness and mercy for each other’s triggers, faults and weakness is extended for they each know the purpose of their union is to offer comfort and support when they arise.
It’s when two people deliberately care enough to intentionally learn how to find harmony despite their differences. This type of divine union is not a perfect union, it still has it’s highs and lows, but the difference is each of you are committed to personal development, and respect the balance of independence and interdependence within the relationship. In this dynamic you’re more able to feel free while still being committed because you know you can be the real you without any reservations.
Selflessness in partnership is just as important as taking care of self. Even though your overall joy and well-being is ultimately your responsibility to take care of, that doesn’t mean you don’t care about your partner’s. You both recognize that it benefits the union when you do what you can to help your partner thrive mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically.
A sense of safety is established in this type of partner-SHIP. Speaking of ship, marriage is like a SHIP. It takes two working in tandem and in sync in order for it to sail smoothly. When both make the concerted effort to work together in this way it creates a bond cemented in DIVINE LOVE.
In this higher state of love, you’re willing and able to sacrifice and compromise. It doesn’t feel like an obligation to do so, but rather a way for you to step out of your comfort zone and learn how to love more deeply. You won’t find traces of the inferior/superior complex going on in this dynamic, because there is a genuine MUTUAL respect and admiration for one another’s strengths and accomplishments. In other words, neither is too proud to affirm the other.
(Side Note: Self esteem issues, typically from unresolved childhood wounds, and/or cultural programming are the standard causes for the superiority and inferiority problems in relationships.)
We can all learn to love ourselves and each other better. Going through a REALationship course like this can benefit anyone who wants to improve the quality and richness of their partnership. Whether you are about to get married, on the verge of a split, or simply want to take your connection to new heights, consider investing in guidance.
The truth is, all of us have some unbecoming relationship behaviors, or communication habits that could use some attention. When we make the conscious decision to take a hard humble look at ourselves from this inner-higher perspective, we grow exponentially as a human being, and become better partners. The plus side is you’re able to make wiser, healthier decisions when it comes to love.
Remember this….Honesty +Understanding = Communication. When you establish that, you have TRUST which leads to RESPECT. Only then can you achieve true intimacy.article by janie terrazas