Why Do Introverts Struggle To Ask For Help?
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Asking for help is difficult for most people.
It forces us to admit our shortcomings; our weaknesses; our vulnerability.
It reveals us as the bruised peaches we are – not the shiny, unspoiled apples we wish to be seen as.
Brené Brown would, I’m sure, give me some sage advice like:
Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage.
Truth and courage aren’t always comfortable, but they’re never weakness.
For me, asking certainly fits into that ‘uncomfortable but good-for-you’ category.
But I already know how it makes me feel… now I want to understand WHY.
Here’s my theory about why introverts, like myself, struggle to ask for help.
A common sexist assumption I grew up hearing was, ‘men will never ask for directions.’
Ridiculous as it sounds, I did notice my own father would never, EVER ask for directions (he was even resistant to getting a sat nav.)
In fact, he voiced proudly, that he never asked for anything.
One day I pointed out that he had asked me to tidy my room. His response was: “That wasn’t a request, it was an order.”
In recent times, however, I wonder if it’s not his gender that leads this resistance to asking: but the fact that he is an introvert.
I’ve taken various tests based on the Myers-Briggs Personality Indicators, and I to am an introvert to the core (INTJ, to be precise.)
I too, find it nigh impossible to ask for anything without feeling like I’m taking up space, time, or resources.
Like I’m a crab without a shell.
I learned a lot from Amanda Palmer, but asking for help still doesn’t come easily.
So what does introversion have to do with the inability to ask?
Of course, I’m not suggesting extroverts all find asking is easy.
However, many traits associated with introversion could make the psychological aversion to asking more extreme:
One trait common to introverts is our self-sufficiency. We draw energy from within, not from our external environment.
We think. A lot. Often to a fault. For me, that means I’m used to coming up with (often unnecessarily elaborate) solutions on my own.
It’s not that I believe my solution will be better: I’m just so used to looking inward to help.
2. Heightened self-awareness
It’s this strong sense of self that can make the inward-looking introvert more self-conscious than extroverts and therefore more concerned about looking weak or foolish when asking for help.
This is up for debate of course, as many would say this inward focus could make introverts less concerned about the outside world… but it hasn’t been my experience!
3. We like being alone
Finally, there is a practical reason: we work best alone. Physically, we don’t do our best problem-solving around people.
Particularly now that we are able to consult the online compendium of knowledge, we can do most of our asking alone.
Working on problems in groups, or asking others for help in person, however, requires us to be around people!
If I can take my answers from Quora, I will.
So what does all this mean: do we, introverts, just accept that we aren’t great askers?
Slowly but surely, these women have opened my eyes to:
- Why we can’t do it all alone (and why we don’t have to try.)
- How good asking CAN feel when we realize the support exists (I think of AFP crowd-surfing to remind myself of this.)
- How to use our inner strength (which introverts have plenty of) to brace for the answers we don’t want.