Body language is a fundamental communication tool in dating and attraction. It is an elaborate subconscious signal system that has the power to give a unique insight into how your dating is actually unfolding and the significant but silent messages being sent back and forth. In order to take a look at the covers of communication, EliteSingles spoke to dating and image therapist Kimberly Seltzer. A well-known expert and coach in body image, styling, and dating in Los Angeles, Seltzer shares her body language know-how with us in our exclusive article.
The human body – our gestures and our physicality – constantly outwardly communicates, be it in a business or personal environment. Body language can arguably speak louder than verbal communication. Understanding that people are always scanning and interpreting the unspoken messages being transmitted, it is easy to realize the importance of body language, attraction and communication styles when on the dating scene.
Insight into the mechanisms of body language can empower you with the potential to read the unconscious signs of attraction and to send your own secret signals to fire up your date. For your own super powers of communication and connection, we look at both female body language, attraction, and its dialect and investigate reading men’s body language of attraction too.
How to read body language: attraction secrets unlocked
Body language is defined as the conscious and unconscious movements and postures by which attitudes and feelings are communicated. It can be simply understood as communication without words; it’s often unintentional, and multifaceted, leaving it open for interpretation and misinterpretation and thus adding a complex layer to communication.
Seltzer explains that 93% of communication is nonverbal, so what you say is not as important as how you show up. You are communicating messages without even opening your mouth, and those messages are also being subconsciously ‘read’ and interpreted in a feedback channel of communication that forms between individuals in dialogue, on a date or even in the same room as each other!
When it comes to the body language of attraction, there are certain signals that one can learn to intercept and decode. Seltzer confirms, “I find there are distinct flirting techniques, messaging and body signals that both sexes display when they are interested in someone”. She goes on to explain that there are some easy signals that broadcast if he/she really likes you. It is important to understand these messages because Seltzer expands if these signals are not read or displayed people are left with a question of whether or not their date was interested in them, or they come away feeling there was ‘no chemistry’.
It’s important to notice these signals so that you can have confidence in pursuing things further! To give you this opportunity, we outline below the secret signals men and women use to unconsciously communicate attraction using only their body language.
Body language: attraction and reading the unconscious messages
Our body language expert Seltzer decodes the secret signals of the body language of attraction. She explains that there are three major methods for sending messages of attraction subtly, silently but truthfully: facial expressions, body signals and preening. Let’s take a look at how to read both men and women’s powerful but speechless body language messages. You can use these identifiers on your next date to send and receive the necessary details, if you so wish, to successfully turn on the heat and sweep your partner off their feet.
1.How to read female body language: attraction unpacked
So how do the single ladies put their hands up and say, ‘I like you’?
- Facial Expressions:
The keys areas to pay attention to are the eyes and lips. One of the simplest ways of flirting is a smile. A smile is a way to catch your eye, and if a woman is smiling at you, she is probably trying to get your attention. But it does not end there. As the adage goes, eyes are the window to the soul. Research shows that a woman’s pupil will dilate when she is sexually attracted to a man and that eye movement will follow a specific flirtatious pattern. That eye movement is the basis of the notorious coy glance, eyes meeting, speaking and sparks flying.
- Body Signals:
Body posture speaks its own language of love – you just need to hone in on the signs and know how to translate it! Pay close attention to her chest and hands. Women will often draw attention to their neck, shoulders, and wrists in order to attract attention. Unconscious acts like shrugging the shoulders, twirling her hair, flashing the inside of the wrists and massaging her own neck are all subtle invitations for you to get closer to her. Women will engage in these alluring motions to subconsciously encourage a possible partner. Consider these signs a green light and go for it!
- Preening gestures:
It is often a misconception that women are peacocks, preening and parading for their own pride. The purpose of this kind of display is rather an instinctual evolutionary response to attract a suitable mate. Like a bird cleaning and straightening its feathers, women fix themselves up to make themselves feel and look attractive and to catch a partner’s attention. Many men mistake this interest for vanity. If your date seems to be looking in the mirror frequently, puts on lipstick after returning from the bathroom, fixes and plays with her hair, or smoothes out her dress, she is more likely trying to impress you rather than being self-obsessed.
2. How to read male body language: attraction deconstructed
Now let’s explore ways to understand male body language and translate the message behind the man and the mystery.
- Facial Expressions:
As with women, pay close attention to a man’s eyes and lips. A man’s simplest way of flirting is also a smile; a roguish, lopsided smile, all James Dean carefree cool with playboy charm. A man will then do something very distinctive with his lips if he likes you. If he likes what he sees his lips will automatically part for a second when your eyes first meet, and then his eyes will scan his date’s body, communicating his physical attraction to their beauty. Finally, a man will display almost an animalistic expression by flaring his nostrils as you capture his eye! He is also communicating with his eyes. When a man sees someone he is attracted to he will lift his eyebrows up making his eyes look bright, large and inviting, giving a deeper meaning to the idea of ‘making eyes’ at each other.
- Body signals:
A man’s body movement signals his interest and masculinity. There are unconscious acts that men engage in when they are first attracted to you. A man will accentuate his physical size by standing with his hands on his hips or spreading his legs while sitting opposite his potential partner for an “open” display. He can also move in an exciting way and stand close, perhaps touching lightly to connect and say ‘I like you more than a friend’. Surprisingly, like women, men also play with their hair. He will either run his hands through it or smooth it depending on the style he is sporting to make him look more attractive.
- Preening gestures:
Traditionally women are thought to be the sex who prance and preen to impress. However, although played out differently, men also ‘peacock’, engaging in preening and tidying behaviors to communicate attraction. He might fix his socks by pulling them up or adjusting them, play with the buttons nervously on his jacket (which can be an unconscious desire to remove his clothes) or stroke his tie. These are all ways of saying that he likes you enough to want to look good for you. So if he is fiddling and sprucing, it is not necessarily nerves, but is his way of ensuring he looks his Sunday best to impress!
Battle of the sexes: Morse code for body language, attraction, and communication
To sum up, men and women are designed to send and receive these signals of attraction. Although the patterns of behaviors which comprise their code do not differ that significantly between men and women, it is imperative that the messages don’t get lost in translation, as this layer of communication goes on silently and subtly, meaning a message can easily go amiss.
The greatest battle can be just to patch up the communication channels between a pair. Getting lost in your own nerves or feelings can result in neglecting to pick up the signals being sent to you, and not being selective and aware of the messages you yourself are sending. Remember to focus on the facial expressions, particularly eyes and lips, the body signals with flirtatious indications and preening gestures if you are uncertain. These are the hot zones in the silent game of the body language of attraction, and whether or not you choose to, you are saying something with your every moment, gesture and physiological response.
Learn this language of love to master the code, and confidently use it to be the author of the messages you send to your partner, bringing your relationships and communications to life in a whole new way. Body language takes communication back to a primal, often subconscious, level. In order to be empowered, leverage these skills to your advantage crossing the great divide from ‘he loves me not’ to ‘he loves me do’ using communication, including body language, to authentically connect.
The body language of attraction: expert dating tips
To use this super power to its full potential, Seltzer outlined her expert dating tips to send, receive and correctly interpret your date’s signs of interest and attraction, and how to send some of your own.
- Sender: communicate your interest
- Sit in close proximity so you can connect with your date’s body. Touch, smell and other senses really can create chemistry and stimulate attraction when you are close to them.
- Dress the part. Put intention behind planning your date attire so you look and, more importantly, feel sexy, confident and attractive.
- Use your eyes and smile. Eye contact and smiling are POWERFUL because it shows you’re interested, engaged and connected.
- Receiver: reading your date’s signals
- Get out of your own head and really pay attention to how your date communicates with their body. Most people are more concerned about how they come across rather than who they are with, in which case you lose the opportunity to cultivate that attraction.
- Make eye contact with your date. Really look at them and connect with your eyes to see if they are giving you signals or if their pupils are dilated!
- Sometimes the silent messages are the loudest. Look at your date’s hands and mouth, the angle they are sitting and movements they are making. The answer will be there.
Using insight into body language, attraction and the behavioral patterns of communication you can facilitate open and honest dialogue without saying a word, empower yourself to express your feelings and identify, without waiting or wondering, the real state of affairs with his and her attraction.
3 Easy Tips to Your Online Dating Success
Let’s face it, online and app dating can be a daunting, exhausting and frustrating experience. You’re scrolling through hundreds of profiles to find that special someone who captures your eye. Like a slot machine, you suddenly stop at that one picture that captivates you amongst the blur of faces. It’s only then that you start reading the profile to see if it’s someone you would consider taking that next step with. You then may have a string of bad interview-like dates, leaving you with the feeling there are just no good men or women out there. In fact, eating a tub of ice cream in front of your TV each night is more appealing than going through more bad dates! But it doesn’t have to be that way. In today’s busy world it’s important to do things that are an efficient and effective method to date. Virtual dating is just one way to meet people and it can be a lot of fun if done right. Here are some quick easy tips so you can increase your dating success online.
Tip #1—Make Sure You Have Great Pictures
Although there are so many other components that are important when it comes to attraction, people are not going to GET to know you if you are not putting yourself out there in a way that grabs someone’s attention. So I invite you to dig deep and ask yourself: Are you getting a “click” with your dating photo? Do your research and see which pictures are getting the most hits and explore what you need to do in the other photos to increase your visibility. Your dating image should be sexy, approachable and eye-catching. Also, look at how many you are putting in your profile and the quality of each photo. Remember you are only as good as your worst picture. You may look attractive in five pictures, but if the sixth picture is unattractive or you look vastly different from the rest, then you may lose your visitor at the last second.
Tip #2—Brush Up On Your Online Flirting Skills
Flirting online is just as important as offline. Many people mistakenly treat each interaction as a business transaction and want to just check off their list and get to the interview so they don’t waste time. But, you are actually wasting more time interacting this way. Quality of communication is way more important and valuable than quantity so take your time to be playful, tease and have fun when communicating in your texts, IMs and phone calls with potential dates. Use emojis, answer questions with a question, use humor and be playful. You’ll see a huge difference in the way people respond to you and in fact, will get to the physical date quicker!
Tip #3—Do Your Research and Experiment with Different Online Sites and Apps
Dating online is just another portal to meeting people. Don’t get too caught up in doing it all of the time or using just one site. It’s a numbers game so treat it as such. Mix it up by trying different sites, social apps and changing your profile content and pictures. Integrating different online experiences will avoid online burnout and reduce frustrations. Plus, different sites and apps vary in popularity depending on where you live. Save time by knowing which apps and sites are for you by using this comprehensive guide http://www.reviews.com/online-dating-sites In the end, the virtual world of dating can be fun, great practice and increase the amount of people you encounter if done right. Most importantly, have a positive mindset about it and use it as just another tool for meeting people. If you need more guidance make sure you visit my website www.seltzerstyle.com for more tips and services.ARTICLE BY KIMBERLY SELTZER, LEARN MORE HERE
How to Create Chemistry With a “Nice” Guy!
I hear clients tell me all of the time that guys often fall into one of two categories: ones that they are physically attracted to, but flawed, or ones that are just “nice guys” without chemistry.
One client repeatedly wrestled with this issue. This conundrum commonly led to relationships with struggling musicians and artist types that ended up with her financially supporting them. This was not what she wanted for a long-term relationship. She left each of those situations feeling used and unappreciated. Then she met a “nice guy” who had everything that she wanted in a man: stability, loyalty, and funny. But she was not physically attracted to him. She didn’t want to be shallow but couldn’t imagine spending the rest of her life with someone with whom she was not physically attracted to.
Does she pass on her dream man because she’s not physically attracted to him initially?
This is a common challenge I hear many women face. And then I hear my male clients complain that women only like “bad boys.” The truth is many people claim to not have “chemistry” with single people they meet. But I do believe there are some things you can do create chemistry with nice men!
Define Chemistry for Yourself
What does “chemistry” really mean to you?
People use this word all of the time to describe a feeling they get when attracted to someone. But chemistry can change and is comprised of different components. When you analyze it, it is easier to discern who is right for you rather than dismissing someone you didn’t get the butterflies with on the first date.
I show my clients how to create attraction and chemistry by breaking down what “attraction” means for you into its four elements: physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual. Define each area and then put a percentage on each as to how important it is for you. Then after you go out on a date, complete the chart and see where they fall on your chemistry chart. Overtime, it often changes. Overall, the more evenly distributed the percentages are, the longer a relationship lasts.
Break Your Patterns and Push the Boundaries
Perhaps you feel like that spark either happens or it doesn’t, and when it doesn’t you give up and move on. But by doing that, you might be missing out on a great partner!
Conversely, you meet a man for the first time and it feels magical. You are hypnotized with the intoxicating chemical reaction that draws you to him. He tells you how beautiful and sexy you are and that he can’t wait to see you again. Then out of nowhere he disappears.
So you have to ask yourself, how have your dating decisions worked for you?
If you are finding yourself confused, then try breaking your own pattern and stop dating in black and white. There is a lot of “grey” with dating so give the nice guys second chances and see if your chemistry chart changes!
Flirt With Everyone
Are you feeling like all first dates are boring? What if you had more control over the situation, and actually created amazing dates filled with chemistry and desire?
Many women complain that conversations can get boring on a date or when meeting a man for the first time. There are things you can do to change that by simply looking at how you are communicating. If you want to keep the communication flow going between you, pause and evaluate what you are offering and doing.
Avoid the drab interview-like dates and put more life into your interactions simply by changing your perception and actions during the first encounter. Many women only turn it on when they are interested in or attracted to a man. The problem with being target-specific is that you are closing yourself off to many other opportunities.
The essence of flirting is expressing your interest in someone without committing yourself too seriously. In a nutshell, flirting is supposed to be fun and playful! Think of going on a date with yourself. Would you want to date you? If you turn it up, sometimes the boring “nice” guys will turn it up when they feel that energy.
Find out more about at Kimberly Seltzer
7 Proven Ways To Make Him Fall For You!
Ever wonder how to attract the perfect man and make him fall for you? People’s desire for one another has a direct correlation to how comfortable each appears in their own skin and how solid they are in knowing themselves. It could take something as simple as putting on a pair of heels to gain a sexy swagger, smiling at a man in a coffee shop to invite conversation, or being at ease and enjoying a date. When you feel confident you attract love in your life. There is a secret formula for attraction that when implemented, you’ll start attracting men like a magnet and before you know it he’ll be on his knee begging for commitment.
1. Allow a man to earn you
There are different phases in dating and this means taking your time and pacing things out so that you don’t give too much away of yourself too soon or too fast. Men respect women who are able to set boundaries and set the pace and tone for what is expected from them.It sounds so simple but let go of the urgency of finding that perfect partner right away. You’ll have plenty of time to get to know if he is the right one. Avoid being too available, eager and easy. Instead ignite the pursuit and create intrigue and mystery so that the guy wants to know more of you.
2. Pay attention to the signals you send
93% of communication is nonverbal. So what you say isn’t even as important as how you present yourself. Guys are constantly looking for women to give them the “come talk to me” vibe because they’re terrified of rejection! Keeping that in mind, your overall goal is to use your feminine body language to show him that you’ll say yes if he asks you out. You need to turn your cab light on, send smoke signals, and hold up your dance card to men. In other words, let men know that you are available and open to talking. Smile, laugh and make eye contact every time you see a man.
3. Convey a sexy, feminine image
Men like to date women who look feminine, so if you really want that guy to see you as more than a friend or coworker you need to dress the part! Incorporate more curve-hugging dresses, shorter or split skirts, and sexy heels into your wardrobe, and I guarantee the men in your life will start to see you in a whole new light.
4. It’s all about your attitude
Research shows that upon first impression (which is in the first 30 seconds of meeting someone), a person’s attitude is one of the most important determining factors of likability. That is why it’s crucial to make sure you are in a positive mood when entering a social situation or on a date with a man.Focus on cultivating those qualities within yourself and your contagious positivity will attract great men no matter where you go! Be the person everyone wants to meet by creating a vibrant energy around you. Appear friendly and approachable.
The essence of flirting is expressing your interest in someone without committing yourself too seriously. In a nutshell, that means flirting is supposed to be fun and playful!If your goal is to meet a bunch of men and be friends with them then yes, by all means, continue to have boring, intellectual interactions. But if your goal is to meet a man you want to date, then embrace your femininity. Embodying your sexual, feminine side doesn’t mean you have to “dumb down” or lose who you are. Men just want to see you as positive, upbeat and playful which in turn increases their attraction to you as a woman.
6. Communicate and express who you are
Many women complain that conversations can get boring or one-sided when meeting a man for the first time. There are things, however, you can do to change that by simply looking at what you are offering and how you are communicating. Avoid asking a million questions of the man. Rather, ask a question and share a related personal story about yourself to his response.This balance of give and take allows a man to really “see” you and creates a connection that facilitates more exciting conversation between the two of you. Letting a man know who you are and showing your emotions and vulnerabilities will help you connect with him faster. The more you connect on an emotional level, the more someone will want to know you.
7. Catch him and keep him
As time goes by, you may settle into a routine and either take each other for granted or skate by without the relationship progressing to where you want. It is common for some of the excitement to go down as a relationship progresses but sometimes people drift so far apart that it’s difficult to find their way back. In order to avoid the drift or things staying too stagnant, be mindful of continuing to create fun and excitement, keep a line of open communications to what you are wanting in the relationship and keep a “dating” attitude towards each other.
Obviously, timing is everything and pacing things out is one of the most important elements in dating. What is exciting about these secret tips is that they are easy things to change, incorporate and experiment with in order to see if you get a different result with men.
Find out more about at Kimberly Seltzer
Coco Chanel once said, “Dress poorly and people will notice your clothes; dress well, and people will notice you.” What you portray on the outside sends a message of who you are in the world so it’s important to think about what your clothes and presentation communicates to others.
Moreover, there is scientific research that proves that your attire and the way you carry yourself increases performance and attracts opportunity in many aspects of your life.
When you are truly confident with your body and dress for success you radiate in a way that draws men to you. That kind of inner confidence can’t be faked, and in order to get it you need to learn how to love your body and dress in a way that reflects the best YOU.
Here are easy tips to dress in a way that will make a man’s heads turn:
Tip#1: Dress for Your Body Type
As an image expert, I often see women who don’t know how to dress for their body type. It’s literally one of the best things you can do to feel less overwhelmed when shopping and immediately feel more confident in your skin. If you don’t yet know how to dress for your body type and accentuate your assets, download my eBook now for a full guide (check my bio below and visit my website for more information.)
Tip #2: Maintain a Little Mystery
Contrary to popular belief, men don’t actually want to see everything you’ve got right away! They find it sexiest when you’re wearing something that’s sophisticated, beautiful and fits your body well without showing too much skin. For example, a black dress with a modest front and an open back, or a silky blouse with a lace camisole peeking through. It’s that alluring mixture of conservative and sex appeal that drives men wild.
Tip#3: Get to Know Your Confident Clothing
Take notice what clothes you tend to put on over and over again that give you that extra boost. Ask yourself what you have in your wardrobe that you wish you could wear everyday. Survey the way clothes fit, how comfortable they are and the quality of fabrics. You will start seeing a pattern of what clothes work for your personality and lifestyle.
Tip #4: Dress Feminine!
Whenever you’re meeting a man – especially if it’s for the first time – embrace your feminine, sexy side. Put away the boyfriend jeans, the Uggs and your corporate blazers, and slip on a sexy pair of heels and a gorgeous dress that you look and feel absolutely amazing in. Trust me – he will love it.
Creating that sexy confidence with your clothing that exudes femininity will help you get noticed. Take your time in picking out something that makes you feel good and that will translate to the man that you are comfortable with your body and yourself. Happy head turning!
Find out more about at Kimberly Seltzer
It’s here! You finally have your first date with a guy after numerous exciting conversations, great photo exchanges and fun IM’s. All is looking good and the build up to this point is amazing. But now what?
Your palms grow sweaty as you start to think about what to say, what to wear and create stories in your head of whether or not you will like each other. The truth is you need to let go of all of these anxieties, take a deep breath and follow these four easy steps and you will be on your way to successfully completing your first date.
1. Date Prep 101
There is nothing worse than being rushed and not properly preparing for a date. Make sure you give yourself plenty of time beforehand to get into the mood, know where you are going to meet him and have an outfit in mind. Always schedule a date at least 1-2 hours after working so you can decompress and get your body, mind and soul date-ready. Crank up the music, dance around your bedroom and do the cat walk with different outfits to really get into your date energy. Leave your serious business demeanor at the office!
2. Dress The Part
If you’re anything like 99.9% of my clients, all you can think about is: “What the heck am I going to wear?” Figuring out how to dress for a first date is no easy task, but if you dress in a way that makes you look and feel confident, then you know you are on the right track. As a woman, your primary focus should be to dress in a feminine way that honors your beautiful figure. When choosing your outfit, keep in mind that men love women in dresses, skirts, jewelry and heels. And don’t forget about the details! Do your nails and makeup, and style your hair so it’s flowing.
Your goal for the first date is to appear mysterious, feminine and approachable. Make sure you’re not showing too much skin or dressing provocatively. Remember that sexiness is part intrigue and curiosity, so less is better.
And finally, select an outfit that is appropriate for the date. If you’re going out for coffee, choose a casual outfit like a sundress. If you’re going for dinner or drinks, wear something a little dressier like a little black dress and sexy heels!
3. Keep It Light and Fun
First dates should be playful, fun and interesting where you leave him wanting more. Avoid heavy conversations, talks about politics or religion or bland Q&A sessions that don’t create connection. The key is to be in the moment, authentic and come from a place of curiosity. Avoid prefabricated “lines” which come across as stiff and insincere. Banter should be light, fun and personalized. The easiest way to circumvent ho-hum interview dates is to break it up with stories and sharing interesting things about yourself like a trip you recently took.
The essence of flirting is expressing your interest in someone without committing yourself too seriously. In a nutshell, that means flirting is supposed to be fun and playful! Don’t focus too much on “getting it right”, and instead just try to enjoy the moment and let the interaction flow. Do you feel more comfortable flirting with your words, eyes, touch, smile, or something else entirely? To decide which flirting style feels best for you, think about your strengths and how you can use them to attract men. For example, if you have a killer sense of humor, you may want to flirt with men using your words. If you have stunning eyes, play them up with makeup and use deliberate eye contact to reel him in. Flirting is essentially to show the man you are interested.
So it is really that simple. Just remember to get out of your head and prepare yourself so you can shake off your day and be in the moment to have some fun. If you follow these basic dating steps you will surely get to that second date! And if you are wanting more coaching to enhance your dating skills, make sure you check out my wing gal sessions.
Find out more about at Kimberly Seltzer
Kimberly Seltzer is a Makeover & Confidence Expert, Therapist and Dating Coach based in Los Angeles. She utilizes the unique combined use of therapy, in-field date coaching, NLP and styling to help people with their confidence and dating life. Kimberly helps men and women update and discover their personalized image through wardrobe consultation and assistance in purchasing clothes that fit each body type and lifestyle. She has developed her own wing gal approach with clients doing in-field work working on body language, first impressions, styling and communication and how it impacts confidence and attraction. She has enjoyed opportunities on the radio, tv and on the web. Kimberly is the Co-host & Lead Love Expert of a traveling dating show, The Great Love Debate. She is also the co-host of a podcast, Full Disclosure launching soon. You can also see her in a new cable reality dating show, The Romance. Kimberly enjoys speaking and giving seminars such as being the keynote speaker for Neutrogena, National Matchmaking Conferences, eHarmony and iDate. Kimberly has partnered with Distinguished Speaker Series in developing unique and sophisticated singles events. She is an advisory board member and dating expert for a newly launched program, XOXY.com. Kimberly is a regular contributor to the Huffington Post, DigitalRomance.com, WorldLifeStyle.com and YourTango and is featured in Cosmopolitan Magazine, AskMen, Fox News Magazine, Redbook and Yahoo Shine.
My Favorite Points of the Episode:
- Knowing your body type.
- Why your image and how you look can drastically affect your romantic and dating life!
- Why do you think image is important in regards to the dating world? What can finding the right look do for you?
- Many women tell themselves stories as to why they aren’t being approached…What are some real reasons why don’t men approach women?
- How do women become more approachable?
- One book that you’ve read that had a massive impact on your life that you would recommend? Why men love bitches
- How do we stay connected and support you? www.seltzerstyle.com, Check out Kimberly’s website for a free body type booklet. Social media handle @seltzerkimberly
If you know anybody that would benefit from this episode please share it with them and help spread the knowledge and motivation.
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