Get Closer with Your Partner in 45 Minutes Get Closer with Your Partner
Check out this tool to improve the connection with your partner (or friend) via Greater Good in Action. If you are seeking more closeness with anyone in your life, set aside some time together (45 minutes is the suggestion) and follow the steps below:
- For 15 minutes, take turns asking one another the questions in Set I below. Each person should answer each question, but in an alternating order, so that a different person goes first each time.
- After 15 minutes, move on to Set II, even if you haven’t yet finished the Set I questions. Then spend 15 minutes on Set II, following the same system.
- After 15 minutes on Set II, spend 15 minutes on Set III. (Note: Each set of questions is designed to be more probing than the previous one. The 15-minute periods ensure that you spend an equivalent amount of time at each level of self-disclosure).
Set I Get Closer with Your Partner
1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?
3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?
5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?
Set II Get Closer with Your Partner
13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future, or anything else, what would you want to know?
14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?
15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
16. What do you value most in a friendship?
17. What is your most treasured memory?
18. What is your most terrible memory?
19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
20. What does friendship mean to you?
21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?
22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.
23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?
24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?
Set III Get Closer with Your Partner
25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling…”
26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share…”
27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.
28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.
29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
31. Tell your partner something that you like about them [already].
32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?
34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.
The most important first step in increasing the closeness and connection in your relationship is to prioritize it. That means setting aside time for it. This tool encourages a deeper understanding of the person you care about.article by lisa brookes kift
How to Balance Getting Too Excited About A First Date
I know the emotional tightrope it takes to balance between staying positive about dating but not getting your hopes up too high because one more disappointment could crush you. I’m going to tell you a story that seems like it has nothing to do with dating but everything to do with how to balance getting too excited about a first date.
Last Wednesday my son was staring out the window at a landscaper across the street blowing leaves.
This kid is OBSESSED with leaf blowers! excited about a first date
So I decided to hop onto Amazon and order him his own toddler size version of one.
I made the mistake of telling him about it and that the mailman would drop it off on Friday (yeah Amazon Prime!)
Kai doesn’t yet understand days of the week, or the concept of a future and past for that matter – not a bad way to live! – so he couldn’t understand why his leaf blower hadn’t arrived.
Friday rolled around and after he got up from his nap, I pulled the shiny new leaf blower out from behind my back in a surprise.
I’m telling you, for the 2 1/2 years I’ve known him, I have NEVER seen him more excited!
He went on and on about his new leaf blower, and the mailman that delivered it to him (who might as well be Santa Claus in his mind), and how he was going to blow all of Koa’s dog hair away.
It was truly a joy to see. excited about a first date
When he went to bed a few hours later we decided it would be best to put the leaf blower away, despite pleading to sleep with it in his crib.
Now, for as much excitement as I got to witness, I’ve also never seen him in so much despair.
It took him hours to fall asleep. Sobbing. Begging for the toy back.
I almost caved numerous times but stayed strong, even though my heart was breaking a little for him.
Now, why am I telling you this?
Because two-year-olds can’t act (maybe some can? I don’t know), but mine can’t.
What I witnessed was a pure display of human nature when our mind’s don’t get in the way.
He showed me our natural tendency to roller coaster from extreme joy to extreme pain at the loss of that joy.
I often have client’s who are dating tell me, “You know Alexis, I don’t let myself get too excited about anyone anymore, in case it doesn’t work out.” And I feel a little sad whenever I hear this.
I intimately know what it’s like to get really excited about a guy I recently met, only for them to slowly pull away, making me want them even more, feeling more disappointed when it doesn’t work out.
It goes beyond disappointment to something deeper like hurt or even shame.
“How could I let myself get TOO excited and fall so fast again? Clearly I must have pushed him away or done something wrong.” my Inner Mean Girl was quick to tell me.
You might think that getting excited will jinx the outcome, or you might be trying to save yourself from disappointment.
What we’re saying to ourselves, unknowingly, is protect.
And I get it! We want to protect from the pain of being let down.
But can you see how this can turn into becoming reliant on life going a certain way for us to be excited and happy about anything?
Here’s the thing: where there’s excitement and a desire for something to turn out a certain way, to control the outcome, the other side of that is naturally fear.
Fear of not having it.
Fear that it won’t work out.
Fear of it going away and our fragile heart being broken yet again.
I’ve heard personal development guru’s say that the answer is not to get too attached to the outcome.
This can be a helpful shift.
However, for many of us short of a practiced zen monk, how can we navigate this non-attachment?
The truth is that it’s not always possible. We’re human! We get attached to concepts, ideas, people, future visions!
What if I could guarantee that you’ll never get hurt again in your life? Or have your heart broken?
You’d probably be interested, but there’s a cost.
To ensure you never get hurt again, you can also never get too excited again or even fall in love.
Would it still be worth it?
I know that for me it wouldn’t. There wouldn’t be anything to look forward to. Life would become bland.
Without the lows we can’t appreciate the highs. excited about a first date
You have to be willing to slowly knock down the walls that have built up around your heart. These walls have done their job to protect you from hurt.
Instead be willing to do the thing that seems most counter-intuitive of all.
To say, “God (or the Universe, Spirit, whatever you believe in), I am ready to find true love. Even if it means getting hurt again. Even if it means potentially going through the pain I’ve felt in the past to get there. Even if I can’t control the outcome. I am willing…please let me attract any guidance, resources, assistance I need to take that next step, and then the one after that.”
Believe me, it is hard but so worth it. You are deserving of that true love.article by alexis meads
Love After Painarticle by Ashton Saldana
Whether breaking up from a short-lived romance or going through a divorce, it hurts. Things ultimately don’t work out how we planned and now we are left to recreate our story. We endure an unforgettable pain with a spectrum of emotions varying from sadness to anger. As you know, the healing process takes time, but you will rise up at some point and become a better, stronger
individual having gone through that experience.
After working through never feeling like you can love or trust again, your days are brighter and the debilitating pain starts to diminish. Even though we seem to have made much progress, an invisible barrier was built during that heartbreak and will be the demise of your next relationship if you let it. Its hard to not be hesitant or use past experiences to block you from future successes.
Most of the time, people enter a new relationship with the past still hindering them and the cycle repeats itself. However, if you ever want to truly love and be loved, you must not hold the past against your future partner. We experience these losses as learning opportunities to create something better. If you want to start attracting true love, you must work through the following steps:
- Fully Respect & Love Yourself. Self-love is imperative and if you happen to be struggling in this area, you need to focus on yourself before getting involved with anyone else. Your strengths and your flaws all add up to the exceptional individual that makes you, YOU! Someone who emits positivity and a captivating energy is an individual who has figured out in order to spread love, you must honor, treasure, and love yourself.
- Start Setting Healthy Boundaries. You know what you value in a relationship and what you will and will not allow. If monogamy is a deal breaker, then why entertain people who don’t intend on settling down? Make sure you are giving your time, energy, and love to a deserving soul.
- Let go of Expectations of Others. You’ve heard it before, but “no one owes you anything”. It seems harsh, but once you let go of expecting certain outcomes or relying on others, you’ll start to see your relationships as an added value.
After adopting these 3 simple concepts, you’ll see the caliber of people you meet has changed, and you’ll be ready for that special person that makes loving someone feel effortless.article by Ashton Saldana
Serendipidating Is The Dating Trend You Want To Avoidarticle by Alexis Meads
One of the latest trends is Serendipidating. Serendipidating is putting off a date — or dating in general — in the hopes that someone better or decent will eventually come along. As a Dating Coach, it’s my job to keep up with the latest trends, and this is a dating trend you want to avoid, as it has the potential of screwing up your love life forever.
So what is it, really?
Serendipidating is essentially what I used to call FOMO or fear of missing out.
When my husband was single, he called it BBD. Him and his friends were constantly waiting for a bigger and better deal to come along.
During my single days, I fell into this trap all the time.
This was before there were dating apps, but I still used online dating to fill what felt like an endless dating funnel. I lived in Boston at the time, worked downtown, and had an active social life, so meeting a number of men wasn’t the problem.
The problem was finding a man that I felt a connection to and could see myself in a long-term relationship with, and who felt the same about me.
When I was serendipidating, I never could seem to find myself in a happy long-term relationship, because in the back of my mind I always knew that someone better may come along.
We have to take a pause for a moment and start by looking at what ‘better’ even means.
Have you been searching endlessly for your Prince Charming who looks and dresses a certain way, only to find out that this guy is a player, or doesn’t treat you the way you want to be treated in a relationship?
Or do you keep comparing every guy you meet to the instant chemistry you felt with your first love when you were 19?
“In fairytales the bad guy is very easy to spot. The bad guy’s always wearing a black hat so you always know who he is. Then you grow up and you realize that Prince Charming is not as easy to find as you thought. You realize the bad guy is not wearing a black cape and he’s not easy to spot, he’s really funny, and he makes you laugh, and he has perfect hair.” – Taylor Swift
I help clients to understand what they actually want and need in a relationship and how they can be the best possible partner themselves.
This is critical so that you don’t get stuck in the endless cycle of trying to find a man who’s more attractive than the last, or comparing every guy to an ex-boyfriend that you felt crazy chemistry with but ultimately didn’t work out.
If your goal is to be in a long-term relationship then serendipidating will not get you very far.
With a sea of singles at your fingertips, it is easy to get sucked into this pattern of wondering if someone better will come along, but life simply doesn’t work like that.
If you put off every job interview, buying a house, or anything else in hopes of something better coming along, you will weaken your decision making muscle to the point where it doesn’t exist anymore.
Plus, you will stop feeling grateful for what you have already because you’re always looking to a future that doesn’t exist.
You won’t know how to commit to ANYTHING because you’re always going to be waiting for that next best thing. This can set you up for a life of being single forever.
What is it about dating in the Tinder age that makes serendipidating so common?
There are just so many choices. Too many.
I tell my clients to imagine how different it may be if they were dating in the “Little Women” era.
For those of you who remember that classic story, it’s extremely romantic in its own way.
At that time your choices would’ve been limited to who is in your town and who you see on a regular basis. Therefore, you didn’t have the luxury of constantly wondering who else is out there, or fearing that you could be making the wrong choice when it comes to a partner.
You would get to know someone very very slowly, and the mystery and romance would build.
Can you imagine how mind-blowing the sex would be after many long, slow months of falling in love with someone?
In the Tinder age when you can always find someone new to swipe on, let alone text with or sleep with right away to meet your need for connection, that mystery and romance are lost.
There are a lot of great advancements because of technology, but we almost need to create that mindset shift back to a simpler time.
If you’re ready this and thinking, “Why bother? I’m too exhausted to go on another date” or find yourself swinging between back-to-back Bumble dates and swearing off dating entirely, then it’s time to adopt a new mindset around dating.
It’s so common and challenging to find a happy medium between dating fatigue and swearing it off completely.
I have two rules for dating: dating needs to be simple and it needs to be fun.
If it’s no longer feeling simple or fun, something needs to change.
I work with clients on creating dating plans that work for them, so they have structure and boundaries around their dating life which keeps it from feeling like a full-time job.
When it’s simple and fun you position yourself to meet someone because now you’re giving off that positive vibe, whether it’s with someone online or in ‘real life’.
Love can happen when you least expect it, but it’s usually when you’re in a great mindset and are still putting yourself out there.
Serendipidating is the dating trend you want to avoid because the truth is that love doesn’t usually look exactly how you think it will and relationships take work.
This is a beautiful thing because it’s through relationships and the struggles that come with them that we self-actualize in the process.
We learn how to balance giving and receiving, being grateful for what we have, and striving to make it better.
Now, I’d love to hear from you in the comments below.
Have you ever done Serendipidating? What was the result for you?
Remember, share as much detail as possible in your reply as hundreds of kindred souls come here each week for advice and your comment may just be the spark they need.
Thank you a thousand times over for adding your love and voice to this amazing community.
Top 3 Things Couples Fight About and Other Things You Should Know
article by Lisa Brookes Kift Top 3 Things Couples Fight About and Other Things You Should Know
Fresh off attending the 2018 Psychotherapy Networker Symposium in Washington DC, I had the opportunity to attend a workshop with John Gottman. Dr. Gottman is a dominant figure on the relationship research and couples therapy scene since the mid 80’s when he began observing couples fighting in his “original couples laboratory,” dubbed the Love Lab. His findings provided some of the scientific underpinnings of what we know about what maintains and erodes intimate relationships.
The Love Lab has been given new life and a new name; the Gottman Love Lab Experience is now being offered as “the world’s first science-based relationship evaluation service,” measuring three primary important areas of your relationship; friendship, conflict and shared meaning.
Along with this cutting-edge assessment opportunity for couples who are able to make it to Seattle, Washington, he is also offering therapists a new online tool, the Gottman Relationship Checkup, providing the ability to receive a score reviewing couples strengths and vulnerabilities, with feedback for possible treatment suggestions.
From a recent study Dr. Gottman conducted of 40,000 Relationship Checkup participants, he has new data. I compiled some relationship research nuggets on heterosexual couples from his presentation. You might find some of the results surprising!
For how many couples in therapy is at least one partner considering an exit? 66%
82% of couples are having problems with loneliness in the relationship
What About Problems with Intimacy and Sex?
Sex Quality 55%
Sex Frequency 49%
How many partners had problems with trust? 66%
The Top 3 Things Couples Fight About
86% Not having fun anymore
74% No emotional connection
Speaking of conflict, the biggest obstacle to productively navigating conflict in relationships is flooding. This means the heart gets to 100 beats per minute which makes it nearly impossible to communicate from a calm, grounded place as your physiology will get the best of you. In fact, when flooded, communication can be erratic, irrational and possibly damaging to the relationship. The antidote is self-soothing or helping each other soothe, if possible. Sometimes leaving the situation (in a structured timeout) is the best thing a couple can do for a relationship.
96% of couples are flooded during conflict
Though I didn’t catch all of the numbers Dr. Gottman shared at his presentation, particularly the gay and lesbian stats, what I did notice was a trend demonstrating that compared to heterosexual couples, they did a much better job with conflict and communication.
“As far as interaction, gay and lesbian couples really have a lot to teach heterosexual couples.”
– John Gottman
Something to think about. I will leave you with one more nugget and it’s an important one to consider for those who are struggling in married or long-term relationships: The #1 predictor of divorce is contempt. If you are calling your partner names, assassinating their character or hitting below the belt in other ways…and you would like to save your relationship, please seek counseling for help.article by Lisa Brookes Kift
Details are important. The profile text is your virtual fingerprint. With these dating tips, you will find the right words to arouse interest at your future crush.
- Take your time
Before you start to write think about what makes you special and what is exciting to write about. Consider what would attract or dislike yourself when studying a profile. Browse through other match cards and keep your own personal Top- and No-Go- List: you will see that you can estimate much better afterward what you want to include in your own text and in what style you want to write it.
- The length does matter
With your profile text, you can impress and present yourself optimally. A research among Luxy users revealed that those who leave the ‘About Me’ and ‘About my Match’ sections blank or just with some words are 60% less likely to match with someone successfully. However, the writing should not be too long, because in the first few seconds it decides whether someone will tap like or dislike. According to our experience, three clear and authentic sentences are optimum.
- The more specific, the better
Your profile text is particularly lively if you name your wishes, preferences and hobbies. Formulate pictorially. The more concrete you are, the easier it is for your reader to pick a detail and respond to it when giving you a message. Incidentally, the same applies to your expectations of your future partner and the expectations. You can boost your attractiveness if you describe exactly an activity you want to share.
- Stay authentic and don’t cheat
Act with self- confidence but modest that exudes authority and is particularly appealing to the reader. Above all, it is important that your information is honest: Exaggerations or lies do not arrive well and fly up after a longer conversation or finally at the very first real date.
- Don’t take everything so serious: humor is desired
With a verbal wink in your words, you leave an impression: Humor desirable. Intelligence also appeals. Profile texts are therefore particularly well-suited if they are flavored with intelligent jokes. Also important is a positive charisma. A lively, writing style, many examples, and a happy tenor are very attractive. In no case, you should talk about interpersonal disappointments, job frustrations or complexes. If you are desperate and in need of online dating, you will be quickly swiped away. But to imply depth, however, is desirable and makes the other person curious about your personality.
These examples don’t work well:
- “Just ask me …” – This sentence is superfluous because you are going to ask something when you write to the person anyway.
- “I’m game for anything” – The statement is boring and read in thousands of profile texts.
- “I cannot think of anything” – this truly testifies to listlessness and unimaginativeness.
- “You have to find out by yourself” – how should that arouse interest?
- “I live every day as if it was my last” – Where is the reliability?
The profile text is a unique opportunity
Even though many users initially find the writing of profile texts a great challenge, this is a good opportunity to present themselves in an interesting and individual light. Do not overburden your reader with too many details but pay attention to an adequate length. Avoid phrases and be specific in what you write. Above all, a smart sense of humor is well received, while fake ones and lies are less. Entice your reader with a question or a quote out of his reserve. You will see: it is well worth the effort.