Get Closer with Your Partner in 45 Minutes Get Closer with Your Partner
Check out this tool to improve the connection with your partner (or friend) via Greater Good in Action. If you are seeking more closeness with anyone in your life, set aside some time together (45 minutes is the suggestion) and follow the steps below:
- For 15 minutes, take turns asking one another the questions in Set I below. Each person should answer each question, but in an alternating order, so that a different person goes first each time.
- After 15 minutes, move on to Set II, even if you haven’t yet finished the Set I questions. Then spend 15 minutes on Set II, following the same system.
- After 15 minutes on Set II, spend 15 minutes on Set III. (Note: Each set of questions is designed to be more probing than the previous one. The 15-minute periods ensure that you spend an equivalent amount of time at each level of self-disclosure).
Set I Get Closer with Your Partner
1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?
3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?
5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?
Set II Get Closer with Your Partner
13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future, or anything else, what would you want to know?
14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?
15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
16. What do you value most in a friendship?
17. What is your most treasured memory?
18. What is your most terrible memory?
19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
20. What does friendship mean to you?
21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?
22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.
23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?
24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?
Set III Get Closer with Your Partner
25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling…”
26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share…”
27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.
28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.
29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
31. Tell your partner something that you like about them [already].
32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?
34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.
The most important first step in increasing the closeness and connection in your relationship is to prioritize it. That means setting aside time for it. This tool encourages a deeper understanding of the person you care about.article by lisa brookes kift
How to Balance Getting Too Excited About A First Date
I know the emotional tightrope it takes to balance between staying positive about dating but not getting your hopes up too high because one more disappointment could crush you. I’m going to tell you a story that seems like it has nothing to do with dating but everything to do with how to balance getting too excited about a first date.
Last Wednesday my son was staring out the window at a landscaper across the street blowing leaves.
This kid is OBSESSED with leaf blowers! excited about a first date
So I decided to hop onto Amazon and order him his own toddler size version of one.
I made the mistake of telling him about it and that the mailman would drop it off on Friday (yeah Amazon Prime!)
Kai doesn’t yet understand days of the week, or the concept of a future and past for that matter – not a bad way to live! – so he couldn’t understand why his leaf blower hadn’t arrived.
Friday rolled around and after he got up from his nap, I pulled the shiny new leaf blower out from behind my back in a surprise.
I’m telling you, for the 2 1/2 years I’ve known him, I have NEVER seen him more excited!
He went on and on about his new leaf blower, and the mailman that delivered it to him (who might as well be Santa Claus in his mind), and how he was going to blow all of Koa’s dog hair away.
It was truly a joy to see. excited about a first date
When he went to bed a few hours later we decided it would be best to put the leaf blower away, despite pleading to sleep with it in his crib.
Now, for as much excitement as I got to witness, I’ve also never seen him in so much despair.
It took him hours to fall asleep. Sobbing. Begging for the toy back.
I almost caved numerous times but stayed strong, even though my heart was breaking a little for him.
Now, why am I telling you this?
Because two-year-olds can’t act (maybe some can? I don’t know), but mine can’t.
What I witnessed was a pure display of human nature when our mind’s don’t get in the way.
He showed me our natural tendency to roller coaster from extreme joy to extreme pain at the loss of that joy.
I often have client’s who are dating tell me, “You know Alexis, I don’t let myself get too excited about anyone anymore, in case it doesn’t work out.” And I feel a little sad whenever I hear this.
I intimately know what it’s like to get really excited about a guy I recently met, only for them to slowly pull away, making me want them even more, feeling more disappointed when it doesn’t work out.
It goes beyond disappointment to something deeper like hurt or even shame.
“How could I let myself get TOO excited and fall so fast again? Clearly I must have pushed him away or done something wrong.” my Inner Mean Girl was quick to tell me.
You might think that getting excited will jinx the outcome, or you might be trying to save yourself from disappointment.
What we’re saying to ourselves, unknowingly, is protect.
And I get it! We want to protect from the pain of being let down.
But can you see how this can turn into becoming reliant on life going a certain way for us to be excited and happy about anything?
Here’s the thing: where there’s excitement and a desire for something to turn out a certain way, to control the outcome, the other side of that is naturally fear.
Fear of not having it.
Fear that it won’t work out.
Fear of it going away and our fragile heart being broken yet again.
I’ve heard personal development guru’s say that the answer is not to get too attached to the outcome.
This can be a helpful shift.
However, for many of us short of a practiced zen monk, how can we navigate this non-attachment?
The truth is that it’s not always possible. We’re human! We get attached to concepts, ideas, people, future visions!
What if I could guarantee that you’ll never get hurt again in your life? Or have your heart broken?
You’d probably be interested, but there’s a cost.
To ensure you never get hurt again, you can also never get too excited again or even fall in love.
Would it still be worth it?
I know that for me it wouldn’t. There wouldn’t be anything to look forward to. Life would become bland.
Without the lows we can’t appreciate the highs. excited about a first date
You have to be willing to slowly knock down the walls that have built up around your heart. These walls have done their job to protect you from hurt.
Instead be willing to do the thing that seems most counter-intuitive of all.
To say, “God (or the Universe, Spirit, whatever you believe in), I am ready to find true love. Even if it means getting hurt again. Even if it means potentially going through the pain I’ve felt in the past to get there. Even if I can’t control the outcome. I am willing…please let me attract any guidance, resources, assistance I need to take that next step, and then the one after that.”
Believe me, it is hard but so worth it. You are deserving of that true love.article by alexis meads
Episode #197 with Jessica Lacy- Living Authentic, Abundant, and Purposeful
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Jessica Lacy is passionate about people living authentic, abundant, purpose-filled lives. Over the last ten years, she has lived this passion through teaching, mentoring, curriculum development, leadership training, personal training, life coaching, and entrepreneurship. She currently does individual and group coaching and collaborates with organizations to help people discover their gifts and be empowered to use them. She loves using multiple modalities in her work to creatively find the way forward for each unique person.
TOP POINTS FROM THE EPISODE:
- Health and wellness begin with being kind to yourself.
- Find your middle between your ideal and what you’re currently doing.
- Uncovering your beliefs about your body, food, etc. can help you commit to new beliefs that will support you.
RECOMMENDED BOOK: Daring Greatly by Brene Brown
YOUR #1 VALUE: Be honest with yourselves and others.
GOLD NUGGET: Trust your life to God!
WHAT DOES RISE UP FOR YOU MEAN TO YOU? When life knocks us down we will continue to rise!
- Website: www.jessica-lacy.com
Thank you again for joining us today please check out our webpage at riseupforyou.com for more podcast episodes, webinars, articles, free resources, and events to help you get to the next level in your life! You can also follow us on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Google+, and Youtube @riseupforyou
If you know anybody that would benefit from this episode please share it with them and help spread the knowledge and motivation.
Please support Rise Up For You by writing a review on iTunes. Your feedback will really help the success of our show and push us to continuously be better! So don’t forget to show your support!
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How To Bring Out The Best In Yourself
Because it’s worth trying to be the best version of yourself…article by rachel baskin
In life, we all want to be able to be the very best versions of ourselves. But sometimes, that’s just so much easier said than done. We all get swept up in our lives and tend to live very robotically. Because it’s comforting to have a routine and way of life that works for you. However, when you’re not living up to your potential or you don’t feel happy, then this could be the worst thing for you. Sometimes, when you want to make sure that you’re bringing out the best in yourself, you have to make a conscious decision to focus on the right things. And this is actually easier said than done. So if you’re ready to become the best version of yourself. Here’s what you need to do.
- Stay True To Your Faith
The very first thing you’ll want to do is to get closer to your faith. If you really want to be at your best, then you need to focus on your connection to Him. Because he will bring you closer to your goals and allow you to shine in your best life. Make sure that you’re considering all of the different ways of Christian Ministry you can turn to here. By staying true to your faith and focusing on your connection, you’ll be closer to your best self.
- Focus On Your Health
From here, you’re then going to want to make sure that you’re working on your health. Because when you want a chance at becoming the very best version of yourself, it means that you need to be able to happy and healthy. If you’re not taking care of your body, then you’re leaving a lot of potential on the table. So it’s time to change your mindset. Focus on how you feel, and work exercise and nutrition into your life to improve on that.
- Work On Your Career
Next, you’re then going to want to focus on your career. If you’ve ever had any business dreams, or you know that you want to progress to a certain position in your industry, then work on it. The best version of you will have goals. And if you’re going to get there, you need to work on the right steps that will make your career dreams come true. So it’s time to put the work in.4. Help Others
Another thing that you can do to become the best version of yourself is to help others. By doing things to improve the lives of others and healing through service, you’ll be giving back. Selfness is a great way to bring yourself closer to Him and be a good person too.
- Pursue Your Passion
Finally, if you want to feel happy and at your best, then you’re going to want to make sure that you have things in your life that you love. It’s healthy to have a passion or an interest in something. It gives you something to focus on and enjoy. Whether it’s music or reading or art or playing sports, by making time for your passion, you’ll be bringing out your own happiness.
Protecting Yourself From Energy Vampiresarticle by Ashton Saldana
As I was coming into this new way of existing, it was extremely important that I protect myself and, to the best of my ability, filter the energy coming into my life. I had figured out how to generally live each day with a positive mindset, yet, as an empath, it was virtually impossible to go unaffected by the words & vibes of others. It was quite frustrating to feel like all of my progress was easily tampered with because I was absorbing the emotions and energy of other people that had yet to seek clarity in their lives. I acknowledged the “energy vampires” in my world and decided I had to set boundaries. We have certain friends or family members that literally suck the life out of us, but I noticed it wasn’t one specific characteristic that would kill my buzz – these energy vampires come in all shapes and sizes. For example, we all have that narcissistic friend or the coworker with the poor-me mentality, but here are some other qualities a person may exhibit that is inadvertently is depleting you.
Often referred to as negative Nancy’s, these individuals have tunnel vision when it comes to bad things happening. No matter what, they will focus on what is wrong in a situation instead of having a grateful mindset.
Then you have the egomaniac that dominates every conversation. It starts and ends with them. Basically, you feel like a sounding board instead of a participant in a two-way conversation. It’s downright exhausting.
The “judger” is sure to drop you down to earth when you share your exciting ideas or positive outlook on something! In order for them to feel valued they devalue you. It’s important to remember that the things they put other people down for are typically the areas where most of their insecurities lie; deflection at its finest.
The drama-starter– they live off of spectacles and circulating rumors. I’ve definitely indulged in my inner gossip girl, but it is so much more peaceful not getting involved and minding my own damn business.
The victim– they speak as if they are the only ones to encounter misfortunes and are constantly in a rut. In some bizarre way, they feed off of the pity, and it’s a never-ending cycle with these people.
I don’t want to feel overwhelmed, drained, or like a need a cocktail after talking to someone. We all experience lows, but when the above behaviors start to be the norm, it’s time for you to limit your interactions and start building a resistance towards their antics. Once I was able to identify the sources, my interactions with these people slightly changed and I immediately felt the benefits. Remember, you have a choice. If you decide to continue to engage in the vortex of negativity, then you can only blame yourself. If you respectfully decline to be a part of their day to day blunders, then you are taking a step in the right direction to protecting your quality of life. I’ve done a lot of work on myself to seek solace for my soul, so I don’t take jeopardizing that lightly. It’s unfortunate when we see the people we care so deeply about being lost in the abyss of negativity but remember you only have the power to control yourself and your involvement.
Alas, sometimes we need to distance ourselves from the people we care most about, but at the end of the day, your sole purpose is making sure you are living the life you intended, with gratitude, happiness, & love, and dissolving the relationships that make you feel empty, tired, and defeated.
Since I can only control to a certain extent how much I avoid certain individuals on a regular basis, I turned to Reiki healing. My intentions with Reiki were to clear out any blocks I had and to develop an invisible shield to negative energy. After my 60-minute session, I felt like I had just received a life-changing transformation. In the most simplistic terms, it’s like a massage for your energy. I felt a wide range of relief, from the soreness in my shoulders to an overall sense of inner peace. Some things that were weighing on me emotionally instantly were gone when my session concluded. I went with an open mind, and this Japanese healing technique definitely had a positive impact on my overall well being.
Love After Painarticle by Ashton Saldana
Whether breaking up from a short-lived romance or going through a divorce, it hurts. Things ultimately don’t work out how we planned and now we are left to recreate our story. We endure an unforgettable pain with a spectrum of emotions varying from sadness to anger. As you know, the healing process takes time, but you will rise up at some point and become a better, stronger
individual having gone through that experience.
After working through never feeling like you can love or trust again, your days are brighter and the debilitating pain starts to diminish. Even though we seem to have made much progress, an invisible barrier was built during that heartbreak and will be the demise of your next relationship if you let it. Its hard to not be hesitant or use past experiences to block you from future successes.
Most of the time, people enter a new relationship with the past still hindering them and the cycle repeats itself. However, if you ever want to truly love and be loved, you must not hold the past against your future partner. We experience these losses as learning opportunities to create something better. If you want to start attracting true love, you must work through the following steps:
- Fully Respect & Love Yourself. Self-love is imperative and if you happen to be struggling in this area, you need to focus on yourself before getting involved with anyone else. Your strengths and your flaws all add up to the exceptional individual that makes you, YOU! Someone who emits positivity and a captivating energy is an individual who has figured out in order to spread love, you must honor, treasure, and love yourself.
- Start Setting Healthy Boundaries. You know what you value in a relationship and what you will and will not allow. If monogamy is a deal breaker, then why entertain people who don’t intend on settling down? Make sure you are giving your time, energy, and love to a deserving soul.
- Let go of Expectations of Others. You’ve heard it before, but “no one owes you anything”. It seems harsh, but once you let go of expecting certain outcomes or relying on others, you’ll start to see your relationships as an added value.
After adopting these 3 simple concepts, you’ll see the caliber of people you meet has changed, and you’ll be ready for that special person that makes loving someone feel effortless.article by Ashton Saldana
Serendipidating Is The Dating Trend You Want To Avoidarticle by Alexis Meads
One of the latest trends is Serendipidating. Serendipidating is putting off a date — or dating in general — in the hopes that someone better or decent will eventually come along. As a Dating Coach, it’s my job to keep up with the latest trends, and this is a dating trend you want to avoid, as it has the potential of screwing up your love life forever.
So what is it, really?
Serendipidating is essentially what I used to call FOMO or fear of missing out.
When my husband was single, he called it BBD. Him and his friends were constantly waiting for a bigger and better deal to come along.
During my single days, I fell into this trap all the time.
This was before there were dating apps, but I still used online dating to fill what felt like an endless dating funnel. I lived in Boston at the time, worked downtown, and had an active social life, so meeting a number of men wasn’t the problem.
The problem was finding a man that I felt a connection to and could see myself in a long-term relationship with, and who felt the same about me.
When I was serendipidating, I never could seem to find myself in a happy long-term relationship, because in the back of my mind I always knew that someone better may come along.
We have to take a pause for a moment and start by looking at what ‘better’ even means.
Have you been searching endlessly for your Prince Charming who looks and dresses a certain way, only to find out that this guy is a player, or doesn’t treat you the way you want to be treated in a relationship?
Or do you keep comparing every guy you meet to the instant chemistry you felt with your first love when you were 19?
“In fairytales the bad guy is very easy to spot. The bad guy’s always wearing a black hat so you always know who he is. Then you grow up and you realize that Prince Charming is not as easy to find as you thought. You realize the bad guy is not wearing a black cape and he’s not easy to spot, he’s really funny, and he makes you laugh, and he has perfect hair.” – Taylor Swift
I help clients to understand what they actually want and need in a relationship and how they can be the best possible partner themselves.
This is critical so that you don’t get stuck in the endless cycle of trying to find a man who’s more attractive than the last, or comparing every guy to an ex-boyfriend that you felt crazy chemistry with but ultimately didn’t work out.
If your goal is to be in a long-term relationship then serendipidating will not get you very far.
With a sea of singles at your fingertips, it is easy to get sucked into this pattern of wondering if someone better will come along, but life simply doesn’t work like that.
If you put off every job interview, buying a house, or anything else in hopes of something better coming along, you will weaken your decision making muscle to the point where it doesn’t exist anymore.
Plus, you will stop feeling grateful for what you have already because you’re always looking to a future that doesn’t exist.
You won’t know how to commit to ANYTHING because you’re always going to be waiting for that next best thing. This can set you up for a life of being single forever.
What is it about dating in the Tinder age that makes serendipidating so common?
There are just so many choices. Too many.
I tell my clients to imagine how different it may be if they were dating in the “Little Women” era.
For those of you who remember that classic story, it’s extremely romantic in its own way.
At that time your choices would’ve been limited to who is in your town and who you see on a regular basis. Therefore, you didn’t have the luxury of constantly wondering who else is out there, or fearing that you could be making the wrong choice when it comes to a partner.
You would get to know someone very very slowly, and the mystery and romance would build.
Can you imagine how mind-blowing the sex would be after many long, slow months of falling in love with someone?
In the Tinder age when you can always find someone new to swipe on, let alone text with or sleep with right away to meet your need for connection, that mystery and romance are lost.
There are a lot of great advancements because of technology, but we almost need to create that mindset shift back to a simpler time.
If you’re ready this and thinking, “Why bother? I’m too exhausted to go on another date” or find yourself swinging between back-to-back Bumble dates and swearing off dating entirely, then it’s time to adopt a new mindset around dating.
It’s so common and challenging to find a happy medium between dating fatigue and swearing it off completely.
I have two rules for dating: dating needs to be simple and it needs to be fun.
If it’s no longer feeling simple or fun, something needs to change.
I work with clients on creating dating plans that work for them, so they have structure and boundaries around their dating life which keeps it from feeling like a full-time job.
When it’s simple and fun you position yourself to meet someone because now you’re giving off that positive vibe, whether it’s with someone online or in ‘real life’.
Love can happen when you least expect it, but it’s usually when you’re in a great mindset and are still putting yourself out there.
Serendipidating is the dating trend you want to avoid because the truth is that love doesn’t usually look exactly how you think it will and relationships take work.
This is a beautiful thing because it’s through relationships and the struggles that come with them that we self-actualize in the process.
We learn how to balance giving and receiving, being grateful for what we have, and striving to make it better.
Now, I’d love to hear from you in the comments below.
Have you ever done Serendipidating? What was the result for you?
Remember, share as much detail as possible in your reply as hundreds of kindred souls come here each week for advice and your comment may just be the spark they need.
Thank you a thousand times over for adding your love and voice to this amazing community.
What Creates Lack of Inner Peace?What Creates Lack of Inner Peace?
ARTICLE BY mARY ALLEN What Creates Lack of Inner Peace?
What Creates Lack of Inner Peace?
Great question. What Creates Lack of Inner Peace?
Since we’re all busy, let’s sum it up quickly in one catch-all word.
Resistance to “what is.”
Let me explain.
Resistance is when we’re pushing back mentally, emotionally or spiritually to some aspect of life. Or many aspects of life, right? There can be so much to resist in our personal lives — how we feel, self-judgment, our bank accounts, chaos, clutter, relationships, whining, exhaustion, poor health, disease, responsibilities, and choices (too many or not enough). And, that’s before we start evaluating the outside world with horrific mass shootings, suffering and divisive politics. The lists are endless. Argh!
But stay with me, there is hope.
Let’s explore further.
What is resistance?
Resistance often shows up as a thought or judgment about what “should or shouldn’t be” or how someone “should or shouldn’t” behave. Resistance can show up as an icky emotion, like self-doubt, fear or overwhelm. Resistance can show up as the “something is off” when you aren’t fully connected to your best self.
Having lead lots of one day and multi-day events, and countless group coaching programs, I know talking about “resistance” often bring up resistance. Oy! It’s more helpful if we can objectively look at the many faces resistance, so we can see it for what it is and isn’t, and then gently learn to relax resistance.
So before we go any further, stop and take a deep breath. INHALE 1, 2, 3, 4 and H-O-L-D 1, 2, 3 and 4………and EXHALE (as you drop those shoulders). Let’s do that again….
Take a DEEP breath IN and
H-O-L-D 1, 2, 3 and 4………
and EXHALE (as you drop those shoulders).
Resistance shows up in many shapes and disguises. My clients have found it helpful to get super curious about the different flavors of resistance, especially when we’re “in it!”
* Worry is resisting a future that hasn’t happened (and may not happen).
* Overwhelm shows up when we’re resisting a single focus (letting go of competing demands momentarily).
* Control is also a form of resistance. When we fixate on control, we’re resisting uncertainty.
* Procrastination is resisting action or flow.
* Victimhood arises when we resist our power or resist taking full responsibility.
* Regret is resisting the past.
* Anxiety is resisting our ability to handle something.
* Anger is a strong resistance to what is.
* Depression often arises when we resist feeling our feeling fully.
* Attachment is resisting the potential of loss or alternative solutions.
* Minimizing self is resisting who we are, our strengths, accomplishments, gifts, and abilities.
This is by no means a complete list. We could dive deeper into any one of these patterns of resistance, and explore other forms of resistance layered into these sticky emotions. I just want to get you thinking about resistance in a new way.
We can also resist the natural flow, self-care, rest, good habits, great choices, asking for help, self-reflection, unmet expectations, deciding, slowing down, or seeing reality for what it is or isn’t. And, of course, we can resist all the same aspects in others.
Self Compassion is Key
Chances are, you relate to many, if not all of the forms of resistance named above. That’s what people share privately with me. That could feel deflating.
But, we’re all human. We all resist. In similar and different ways.
Instead of chastising yourself, be generous with self-compassion.
Is all resistance bad?
No. Resisting that chocolate cake, starting one more Netflix episode, or resisting screaming at a beloved…. are all more likely healthy choices supporting our overall inner peace, and others too!
Also, if we use resistance as a guiding nudge to keep us on track, determining the best “yes” or “no, or set clear boundaries, then it’s helpful resistance. It’s momentary. We get the guidance and respond.
However, when we dwell in resistance, the one thing we know for sure is we’re squashing the flow of inner peace while feeding harmful emotions inside of ourselves.
Inner peace can’t thrive in resistance.
Tell me about a moment when inner peace is absence, and you and I will be able to find resistance lurking is some shape or form.
We might say that it’s impossible to not resist the awful things that have happened in our world lately, like the recent mass shootings in Parkland, FL and Las Vegas, NV and, and, and. Certainly, in the moment, it always breaks my heart, often to tears, for the innocent lives lost and families forever affected.
But, let’s step back for a minute.
No matter how justified the resistance, if I dwell in resistance, it costs me dearly. If I remain sad or angry, replaying horrific scenes in my mind, again and again, I cut off access to inner peace. My health is compromised. I’m less productive and focused. I feel awful. And, I notice, it doesn’t bring back lives.
This is true for everyone who is living in resistance, including you.
How can we relax resistance?
I promised you hope. We don’t have to live in a constant state of resistance. And when resistance arises, and it will, we can learn to relax it.
First, we have to become aware of the resistance.
We can notice contraction of some kind — unpleasant feelings, annoying thoughts, tightness in the body.
Invite more breathing.
Invite more presence.
Invite intention to relax resistance.
Awareness itself connects us to the part of us that is inherently at peace. It allows us to loosen the grip. Awareness is your gateway to inner peace. So is compassion.
Relaxing resistance takes practice.
Yoga is an excellent place to practice relaxing resistance, physically, mentally and emotionally. Since it offers a physical metaphor, let’s start here.
I’m always surprised by how much resistance is stored within my body, even when I feel relatively balanced. And I’m always surprised at how the body relaxes to the invitation to relax resistance. But, with intention, the body, mind and spirit respond.
I notice the tightness. I breathe. The body relaxes into the uncomfortable stretch. I notice the fear of letting go. I breathe. The scary feelings diminish, the muscles let go a bit more. I surrender. I breathe. I keep fueling the intention to relax resistance. And miraculously, more spaciousness arises.
And as you relax and surrender,
you experience what rests behind the resistance.
We can bring these principles to any moment we’ve habitually resisted.
Think of a moment that instinctively invites resistance, perhaps a partner’s heavy sigh indicating disapproval, a child’s whining, another person’s rudeness, criticism from a loved one, traffic, being on hold with customer service, sitting in the dentist’s chair, disappointment, big emotions, a button-pushing social media post, or the judgmental moment looking in the mirror.
The resistance may be subtle or ginormous, but it’s easier to start with smaller triggers.
Find ONE point of resistance.
Practice consciously relaxing resistance.
You’ll likely surprise yourself with how much resistance you can calm by simply inviting awareness, curiosity, compassion and the intention to relax. And, in many cases, it’ll take longer to genuine diffuse a trigger.
I’d love to hear your stories and thoughts about resistance below. What Creates Lack of Inner Peace?
Top 3 Things Couples Fight About and Other Things You Should Know
article by Lisa Brookes Kift Top 3 Things Couples Fight About and Other Things You Should Know
Fresh off attending the 2018 Psychotherapy Networker Symposium in Washington DC, I had the opportunity to attend a workshop with John Gottman. Dr. Gottman is a dominant figure on the relationship research and couples therapy scene since the mid 80’s when he began observing couples fighting in his “original couples laboratory,” dubbed the Love Lab. His findings provided some of the scientific underpinnings of what we know about what maintains and erodes intimate relationships.
The Love Lab has been given new life and a new name; the Gottman Love Lab Experience is now being offered as “the world’s first science-based relationship evaluation service,” measuring three primary important areas of your relationship; friendship, conflict and shared meaning.
Along with this cutting-edge assessment opportunity for couples who are able to make it to Seattle, Washington, he is also offering therapists a new online tool, the Gottman Relationship Checkup, providing the ability to receive a score reviewing couples strengths and vulnerabilities, with feedback for possible treatment suggestions.
From a recent study Dr. Gottman conducted of 40,000 Relationship Checkup participants, he has new data. I compiled some relationship research nuggets on heterosexual couples from his presentation. You might find some of the results surprising!
For how many couples in therapy is at least one partner considering an exit? 66%
82% of couples are having problems with loneliness in the relationship
What About Problems with Intimacy and Sex?
Sex Quality 55%
Sex Frequency 49%
How many partners had problems with trust? 66%
The Top 3 Things Couples Fight About
86% Not having fun anymore
74% No emotional connection
Speaking of conflict, the biggest obstacle to productively navigating conflict in relationships is flooding. This means the heart gets to 100 beats per minute which makes it nearly impossible to communicate from a calm, grounded place as your physiology will get the best of you. In fact, when flooded, communication can be erratic, irrational and possibly damaging to the relationship. The antidote is self-soothing or helping each other soothe, if possible. Sometimes leaving the situation (in a structured timeout) is the best thing a couple can do for a relationship.
96% of couples are flooded during conflict
Though I didn’t catch all of the numbers Dr. Gottman shared at his presentation, particularly the gay and lesbian stats, what I did notice was a trend demonstrating that compared to heterosexual couples, they did a much better job with conflict and communication.
“As far as interaction, gay and lesbian couples really have a lot to teach heterosexual couples.”
– John Gottman
Something to think about. I will leave you with one more nugget and it’s an important one to consider for those who are struggling in married or long-term relationships: The #1 predictor of divorce is contempt. If you are calling your partner names, assassinating their character or hitting below the belt in other ways…and you would like to save your relationship, please seek counseling for help.article by Lisa Brookes Kift